[ scream... the cig falls out of his mouth as he tries to stop his body from being torn in two (he dies a gruesome death in every other tag, this is going to be canon), pained half-smile ("ow ow ow ow rahzel ow ow ow") making way for a stupidly annoying pout. ]

If it has a dick and talks like it has a dick and has a dick and has a dick, Hi-tan doesn't wanna.

[ as if this will endear himself to his cause?? hi-tan please ]

It's like-- you know how animal tamers get really defensive over their lions and stuff, right? Guys are all animal tamers, with their lions and tigers hiding in their pants, so we all get defensive and shitty about who has the best one, and--